Married for 63 years, Bob recently became widowed and currently feels like he is ‘treading water’ as he navigates this journey without Mary, his other half. His doctor advised him, ‘don’t go into the dark places’. Bob elaborates, “I’ve learned it doesn’t do you any good. Don’t let your depression get to you. I’m through crying, I think”, concealing slight emotion. Mary’s memory is everywhere, even in the freezer where she stocked prepared foods. “Everything is a reminder.” We learned just as much about Mary as Bob spoke so fondly of her.

Coming from different ethnic backgrounds and religious teaching, his Lutheran and Mary’s Christian Reformed, Bob relates, “You have to work at marriage. There is no such thing as an ideal marriage. We used to joke. A lady was asked, ‘How does your marriage last that long?’, and she said, ‘well, divorce never; but, murder maybe’, and that is the way we felt sometimes”, as we all chuckled. “The sooner you wake up to the fact that marriage is not a 50/50 proposition, but a 100% each way, the better! You both have to try to work at it. Believe me, there are rocky times. Don’t give up in marriage unless it is abusive or adulterous, that’s different, forget it. I am not cast in concrete religiously, but nothing is perfect.”

Bob had a unique experience as a young boy defending and standing-up for his challenged brother which enabled him to have a mature understanding of ‘the under-dog’ at a young age. “Some things are not going to change.” His parents always had a hopeful outlook for his brother, but Bob had a profound realization from first-hand experience that his brother would not improve. Bob recounted, “You pick up a depth of understanding from a situation like that that other kids don’t get. It gives you an understanding of people that helps you to avoid difficulties. This was a lesson I learned well before others would grasp such things”.

Bob and Mary were different in many ways. “Before you try to figure anyone out, you should try to understand their backgrounds. Everyone is influenced by their environment. We both came from strong parents; yet, I was outgoing and Mary was quiet. It took me till my 50th year to realize…my wife was smarter than me. I finally understood those talents, not questioning them anymore, but welcoming them. They were talents I did not possess. Mary thought outside of the box, probably due to her mother’s influence. She didn’t care about material things: clothes, cars or money. She cared about people and being charitable.” Allowing for the differences added to the richness of their lives. Alleviating his parents concerns,their home became home to both his brother at his time of need as well as his parents at their necessary time. Bob, in the same manner, blessed Mary by tending to her needs as long as he could.

“By the way, I have a viewpoint that I don’t speak of very often. I don’t think heaven is the most exclusive place that Christians like to make it. I honestly don’t. I’ve never felt that way.That’s my belief but I keep my mouth shut around people with very strong opinions about religion. Surrounded by all the people of the same background, I realize many of them are very limited in their outlook on life. Growing up in Chicago with numerous diverse peoples that I have known has influenced my thinking. I know a lot of people that go to church every Sunday, but they aren’t very good people. A thought for example, ‘no Jews are going to heaven’… I don’t believe that, because there are too many good people. There is one thing in Catholic religion that fascinates me and that is purgatory, a stopping off point of how you’ve lived your life. Nobody lives a perfect life. My mother used to say, ‘People have thoughts that would shame hell’, meaning everybody. She also would say, ‘This too shall pass’, or ‘Another mountain to climb’, if something bad had occurred. Our family called those nannianisms.” Golden nuggets rich in truth.“