Bill and Arda
Age 90 & 84
In the presence of a personable couple and a lovely morning of conversation reminiscent of days gone by as well as current family events, a few key nuggets surfaced.
After 60 years of marriage Arda encourages “if you are going to date someone or get married make sure that the other person is a really good friend. First of all be certain you see eye to eye. There will be differences and disagreements. Good friends feel comfortable with each other. You need to feel comfortable enough with each other to be able to disagree at times. It bothers me when so many people love each other for a long time and then it’s done.” When asked ‘What do you think happens?’ she responded thoughtfully, “I don’t know. Maybe when they get married they don’t really know each other. I also believe some just get married to get married.” How true. A lot of people are in love with the idea of marriage but not really in love with their spouse. If contemplating a lasting relationship, make sure the two of you share and create a safe place: a place of total vulnerability, total honesty, total trust. She added, “Make sure it is G-d’s will”. Include G-d and those that G-d has placed in your life to confirm or disaffirm your decision.
Both Bill and Arda were concerned about the ‘world of instant gratification’. Frugal spending, waste and lack of priorities should be countered with a sense of respect, appreciation and good stewardship. Growing up during the depression, Bill learned, “the main thing is to work.” Work hard and appreciate what was put on the table. “You ate what food you took and now-a-days you may take one bite or two bites and throw the rest away,” he said disapprovingly. They appreciated what they had and didn’t take anything for granted. As children they knew what it meant to work hard for a goal set before them. If they wanted something they had to work, save, work, save and when the time came to spend, they weighed the decision out very carefully.
You think you recycle? Their generation mastered finding new uses for old remnants. Arda still practices bringing new life to worn-out or recycled items. Having less and doing without certainly stimulated and stimulates creativity and ingenuity.
They are concerned with those who haven’t been taught to fend for themselves and only survive on handouts. The easier life becomes…”the less we know,” Arda completed. “When we have hard times come upon us, we won’t know which weeds to eat or how to make butter. People don’t even know how to can food anymore.”
Recalling their past, they realize they didn’t think to glean from their parents while they were busy rearing their own family, meeting daily needs within their own lives. “You just don’t think of those things ’til years later…the questions you should have asked,” Bill sadly adds. Those before us truly are a wealth we can build upon or, G-d forbid, lose. We have the opportunity to stand on their shoulders and reach higher or squander their experience to the detriment of our own experience.
Relevant Quotes
Sayings that get your mind moving...
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
The years teach much which the days never knew.
Don't underestimate the value of knowledge, yours or others. Seek out those who've been there. Ask them what they've learned. Listen to them. Distill their wisdom. Apply it to your journey.
One of the sages of the Talmud taught nearly 2000 years ago that G-d could have created a plant that would grow loaves of bread. Instead, He created wheat for us to mill and bake into bread. Why? So that we could be His partners in completing the work of creation.
Do no think of only ONE candle when you seek to overcome the blackness of despair. If EVERYONE lit a candle we could turn the darkest night into the brightest day.
If you want your children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.
A successful marriage depends on two things: (1) Finding the right person, and (2) being the right person.
People are always blaming their circumstances for being what they are. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstance they want. And if they can't find them, make them.
The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.